4-5 seconds

I changed the lyrics to “4-5 seconds to violence, ” BEFORE the soccer match. (As much as I have zero respect for the nameless artists of this song, I still find it appealing.)

More appealing than girls’ soccer. I’d rather watch Leah play MINECRAFT. Or get a double lobotomy.

I'm sure that time runs in reverse during soccer games.  Each half is longer than life itself.

I’m sure that time runs in reverse during soccer games. Each half is longer than life itself.

The game’s bad enough, without my special talents. But, like migratory fowl, I have an inner magnetism that compels me to center my chair above every subterranean antpile in a tri-state area.  I also attract the most vocal parent to any semi-vacant spot near me.

Inevitably, these ‘”People of Walmart” reality star wannabes  wiggle their lawn chairs, ice chests, a minimum of 3 booger-dripping kids, and the rest of their trailer park– manners and all– right in the six inch sport next to me. And then proceed to chain smoke a pack of Camels while eating cheese fries and donuts.

Batten down the hatches!!!

Batten down the hatches!!!

Lets not forget the weather. You can count on it to be freezing cold one half and boiling the second.  Today the top half of my thighs got sunburnt… and my scalp in the hair-part, but it was too cold for my shade canopy.

Finally, there’s my everlasting and vehement opposition to the offsides penalty. It’s un-American, dammit. If God had wanted the US to play soccer we’d be Brazil.

So, I wish Leah would take up a more active sport like competitive knitting (which is apparently a REAL thing.  I had no idea….)

I wonder if there's an age limit... Like must be over 40 to join?

I wonder if there’s an age limit… Like must be over 40 to join?


About Laura Alford, PhD

I'm a recent graduate of LSU (PhD in Accounting). In addition to academic research, I also write fiction when I can (usually 4 am).
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3 Responses to 4-5 seconds

  1. Susan Sands says:

    God bless you. Our soccer days are over. Tennis is a quieter sport, but the sportsmanship is often just as awful, as is the weather. At least soccer has a definite season. Tennis does not. It’s year-round.

  2. Leah says:

    You made me cry. I can’t believe you would rather watch KNITTING than soccer.

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