As I sat on the sofa consuming copious quantities of real cheese-flavored snack crackers and watching the 2nd quarter of the Denver Broncos game, I pondered the great mysteries of life.
Does Timmy ever get to eat an entire big, red box of snack crackers, or does he only eat healthy foods like he did on the ESPN documentary?
Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps used to eat 3,000 calories just for BREAKFAST! Dude can afford to get the munchies!
These erudite musings led me to update my presidential platform. For many years, my platform consisted of a single plank: ELIMINATE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME. When I am dictator of the Free World, at 2 am of the next scheduled time change, we will put the big hand of the clock on the :30 between the two and call it even. And time will NEVER, EVER move around again–except at the New Orleans airport.
It is quite serendipitous that I have discovered a 2nd plank: Brownies are health food. The second thing I will do as all-powerful leader of a first world nation is to rewrite the food pyramid. Cookies and ice cream for all!
But, before I can run for the national office of Supreme Leader, I need to have some funds. While I was watching the Broncos, they scored THREE TIMES! Last night, when I watched the first half of the Saints, the other team scored and the officials denied NO a TD.
But, the 2nd half I didn’t watch and the Saints came back with a vengeance. If I contact these teams, surely I can get paid to either WATCH or NOT WATCH and ensure that they win?
For years it has rained within 24 hours of my washing my vehicle. If this isn’t proof of my awesome powers, I don’t know what is. I could use my powers for good (anybody who wants to argue about the goodness of football will be banished to North Dakota and will have to eat broccoli and brussel sprouts for all of eternity) and also have enough money to feed my family delicious brownies and real cheese-flavored snack crackers. It’s WIN/WIN!
Finally, with the BCS National Championship game coming up tomorrow, I hope that Alabama stacks the box and LSU runs around it, through it, and over it! Geaux Tigers!