Scratch Golf Secrets Revealed!

My belated Christmas gift to you, gentle readers, is my SECRET to becoming a scratch golfer. This methodology is also applicable for those of you who would like to experience the MIRACLE of WEIGHT LOSS!

Everyone knows that the SECRET to weight loss is to consume fewer calories than one burns daily. Some people will argue the ratio of proteins:carbs:fat for optimal weight loss, and I am not going down that road.  I didn’t say it was OPTIMAL. I said that calories IN must be LESS than calories OUT to lose weight. This is NOT THE SECRET.

For years I have exercised diligently to keep my metabolism humming; to keep the calories out HIGH. And I’m about the same size I have always been.  My EXTENSIVE RESEARCH shows that CALORIES IN is the KEY to miraculous weight loss!

So, let’s say you don’t have the IRON WILL needed to become anorexic or even the next size smaller? What about people who LIKE TO EAT? Is an appetite suppresant the ANSWER? No, No, and NO!

Here is the answer: When you have consumed your daily allotment of 1,000 calories (a bag of Hershey’s Cherry Cordial Kisses OR 2 McDonald’s Bacon, Egg & Cheese Biscuits), GO BACK TO BED! You will be exhausted and cranky, anyway, so it’s not like you are missing any quality time with anybody. Do us all a FAVOR and carry your butt somewhere else. DON’T GET UP until it’s time to eat again.

VOILA! The Secret to Weight Loss Revealed! It ain’t what you eat so much as how much. Since obesity is an epidemic, we only have to get fatness classified as a DISABILITY and our employers will HAVE to give us the rest of the day off to go home and take NAPS! Then, and only then, shall I return to work.

Now that I have solved that mutli-billion dollar problem, scientists can now use their grant money on something way more important. Like a calorie-free, non-addictive sleep aid.

Ok, so, how does this relate to having a zero handicap in golf? Simple, when you get to 72, stop.  Return your club to the bag, sacrifice the ball to the nearest water hazard, and roll on in to the 19th hole a satisfied player. Or not.  You could always just accept yourself for the BEAUTIFUL golfer you are, 18 handicap notwithstanding.

Coming next week: An EQUALLY SIMPLE solution to the FEDERAL BUDGET DEFICIT!


About Laura Alford, PhD

I'm a recent graduate of LSU (PhD in Accounting). In addition to academic research, I also write fiction on Tuesday nights with the Asilomar Writers.
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2 Responses to Scratch Golf Secrets Revealed!

  1. Mark says:

    In the words of Leah’s new Fijit, “You are HEE-LARRY-US!”

  2. Loco Gringo says:

    Or you could revert to the tried and true Louisiana diet and exercise routine – A 6 pack for breakfast, then a day of kickin’ hippies’ asses and raisin’ hell.

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